My shortcomings

I really need to curb my ‘adult tantrums’ on D. Last night it really hit home when D was screaming in his sleep. It seemed like he was asking me to stop doing something as he kept saying, “No, Mama, don’t!” And in the process, he tumbled out of his bed which woke him up and frightened, he started wailing.

I had a rough day at work yesterday. By the end of it, I was completely exhausted, stressed out and tired. And with Hubby dear out of town again, I was left to manage two kids on my own. My shortness and lack of patience got the better of me and I screamed a couple of times at my poor little son.

I think he is becoming immune to them (not a good sign at all) as he had very little reaction. He cried a bit but perhaps only for a few minutes. Of course, just as always, I felt like crap afterwards. I profusely apologized to him before he went to bed and he reciprocated the same way for not listening.

So, alls fair and good? Not at all. I still feel like crap. I feel like I have failed as a mother. Someone who got an F on her report card for parenting.
I try not to look for excuses for my behavior. But sometimes I do. Why? I have no clue, maybe just human nature. There, see I go again. Perhaps, it is human nature but that doesn’t change the fact that I am responsible for my behavior. I am the only one who can control myself. It is within my sphere of influence, power and ability to do just that. It is about time I really make a conscious effort to improve my self –control, to be able to look at the 'big picture' and 'not sweat the small stuff'. I am trying, believe me when I say that but maybe not 100 %.

I need to. I must.