Thursday, February 25, 2010

Fears

One thing I am paranoid about is dying alone in some decrepit, god forsaken nursing home that houses hundreds of other neglected, ignored old people, a sterile place where my only companions are the burly caretakers and stocky nurses who constantly curse under their breaths and wish I cross over soon so they have one less to take care of, a place that serves watery soup and insipid, boiled vegetables,a place that family members put their elderly away to severe all ties and unburden themselves of any worries and stress.

I seriously do! This is contrary to who I am as a person. It's unusual for me to think about something like this-things I have no control over-cuz I try not to and I often succeed to stay focused on the present and not worry about the future and what it holds.

But this thought does get the best of me at times.I try to quiz my kids about this occasionally-'Hey, will you take care of me when I get old and frail and rickety?' and they nod profusely putting a smile on my face but the other day when I posed this question again, D's retort was:
I will Mama. I will take care of you. But...but why do you always ask us?

Well, he has a point. Why do I? Am I the only one who thinks of such morbid thoughts or do you too? Just curious. I think one of notions some of us subconsciously subscribe to once we become parents is that our kids will look after us, take care of us when all our systems shut down, when we become useless to self and society.

Yes, I do worry about such things, not always, sometimes I do allow this hopelessness to overwhelmingly creep in but my son, my sweet son eased some of my worries away when he added,
Mama, dont worry, I will take care of you and Papa. You know why? Cuz I love you very much.
He may not at all comprehend my fears, understand where his mother is coming from but his innocent, ernest reply made me gooey with relief and joy. It was music to my ears, sweet sounding, drifting me to a secure comfortable place, away from my unfounded fears and apprehensions.

2 comments:

Priyanka Rajkhowa said...

I am sure such morbid thoughts come across a lot of peoples' minds...the thought of living and dying alone can send shivers down my spine...but I was just wondering when you say "I think one of the reasons why we procreate is because we subconsciously want that safety net-someone to rely on when all our systems shut down, when we become useless to self and society"...does it also mean that over a period of time as the children grow and stand on their own feet, parents' expectations of them (in matters other than just taking care of their parents) subconsciously increase in terms of what they do and give back to the relationship...I was just thinking the implicit expectation could be quite boggling sometimes as the children try to fend for themselves in the real world...guess will find an answer to it only when we have kids
;-)...it's difficult finding an answer without a first hand experience of giving birth to and rearing children and the associated emotions !!

Suku said...

it is an implicit expectation-you are right...we dont talk about it much but there is this need deep down- and as parents something that we would like our kids to understand and meet as they get older. at least i would. however having said that, times are different, society we live is quite different from the one we grew up in, so if they dont, i may be disappointed but not necessarily destroyed! and being a woman of this century, i think i would like to be independent as long as i can be and not burden anyone with my health etc including my kids. this is another reason why i need to eat healthy, exercise regularly so that i remain strong, lucid when i am 90 years old!:-)