I almost Lost It!

I almost lost it the other day! With A screaming on top of her lungs and D spilling milk and littering the place, I swear, I was literally at my wit’s end. Hubby dear has been away for the past few days, almost a week, so to speak, with me having to manage both the kids. This is the longest he has been away and I can’t wait for him to get back.
A few weeks ago, A was doing quite well sleeping through the night. Both of us were thanking our lucky stars and were happily saying good bye to the dreaded ‘sleep deprivation’, only to fall victim to it once again. This past week, she just hasn’t slept well at all. In fact day before, she woke up three times, just as she did when she was a new born! And with the second pair of helping hands missing, I tell you, I just went nuts. D also is a light sleeper, in the sense, he talks, cries, squirms and moves around a lot in his sleep. So with two kids with somewhat unusual yet common sleeping patterns, I don’t really look forward to bedtime, though I know, SLEEP is something I desperately need!

A screaming the other day, made me scream back at her. I almost saw myself picking her up and giving her a hard shake. Is that what ‘shaken child syndrome’ all about? A tired, stressed out mother in despair and losing hope? I am sure it takes more than this to push one into a situation like that. But with two kids, one refusing to eat her dinner, screeching away and the other blowing bubbles into his milk and spilling everything, I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I immediately called hubby dear and gave him an ultimatum of sorts, with me bawling and screaming into the phone. “Don’t you EVER leave me with two kids to manage. Next time you go, we go with you!”

I don’t know how single parents manage. My thoughts particularly went to the army wives left to take care of their kids single-handedly while their husbands are fighting a war. To make matters more difficult, they also have to worry about their husbands safe return, let alone look after the kids. I bow my head to you in respect, ladies, for your fortitude and brevity!

Anyway, after all the screaming, shrieking and almost losing of nerves, A slept through the night to my utter delight! As I picked her up at 6am from her crib with a big smile on my face, she, who always responds with a bigger smile, just looked away! No matter how hard I tried to get her to respond and smile as she usually does, I just couldn't get her to be her perky self. She frowned at me as if almost saying, “Mama, don’t pretend as if nothing happened –screamer!” I felt like crawling under the bed and hiding there forever. Guilty to the core.

Yes, I do feel I am quite impatient at times, lose my temper very easily. I wish I was calmer and not get aggravated so quickly. These are some things I need to work, especially now that I am mother. I definitely need to work on my PATIENCE. Let's just say, I don’t want my kids to grow up thinking of me as someone who is hard, angry, frustrated and unhappy.

And speaking of A’s pouting, it was quite short-lived. She gave me the biggest, broadest smile as soon as I laid her down for a diaper change. May be she sulked and frowned because she had a glob of poop in her diaper and she was uneasy about it. At least that’s what I am telling myself to heal my bruised and culpable conscience.

Who said parenting was easy??